Being fair to TMNT

The trailer finally hits the web and Michael Bay has, once again, set out to start off really strong- then shit all over your childhood. I wasn’t exactly a big fan of the Transformers movies after the 1st installment, and I wasn’t really into the 1st movie like that anyways. I was raised in the 90s, so I barely got a taste of Transformers, but Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles- I fucking lived for Saturday mornings to watch four gigantic mutated turtles “raise shell”. So seeing this trailer was both exciting, and at the same time everything that I knew Michael Bay had set out to do; so I’m not really surprised about how the movie is gonna turn out to be based on the trailer.

FIRST. I’m gonna point out all the things that hurt me a little inside. These fucking turtles make so much noise! I thought they were fucking Ninjas?! Granted, in the movies before this, the only time they showed any REAL Ninja abilities was in the CG movie that released in 07. BUT FUCK. These turtles make the most noise EVER. However, to be fair, trailers were meant to grab your attention so I can kinda understand why the loud noises were implemented. The biggest thing that bothered me was the fact that they looked like giant, green, muscular, mutated babies. Michael Bay really turned this one on its head.

“Oh hey let’s make the Transformers look really fucking cool and modern, but let’s make the Turtles look like the most undesirable creatures in the world..Let’s shit on the hearts and minds of all the generations who have watched TMNT and turn it into something that only I can be proud of- duh.”

Is how I imagined Michael Bay saying something about the ugliness of the turtles. BUT ONCE AGAIN JUST TO BE FAIR. I’m pretty sure if we saw the Turtles in real life, they wouldn’t exactly look like cute little Squirtles. I understand the reason to make them look hideous (kinda), because they want people (mostly younger kids who have been robbed of TMNT) to freak the fuck out and realize, “WHOA these turtles are fucking amazing! Sure, they look like shit- but they are so AWESOME.” Besides, guys, face it- Not everyone is a complete TMNT nerd. Not only should the movie appease the people who absolutely love TMNT, but it should also make the casual movie-goer happy they went to see the movie.

My honest opinion, I kind of expected TMNT to end up like this. Once I heard Michael Bay, I immediately threw all my hopes, dreams, and expectation to the wind. I’m happy I did it really early, because I’m actually not upset. I’m going to see the movie, because I’m not expecting to be completely amazed by this film.

OH Megan Fox. Yeah, she’s in the movie too.


Lion King..Scar’s Revolution.

SUHWEET! Closing 2013 and the start of this blog with 7 views! Pretty fucking sad, but that is a win in my book.

Anyways, over the course of this deployment a lot of stupid conversations have popped up. Things like Transformers being a success thanks to Megan Fox, Pokémon and PETA, Zack Gali-Galphin-Galifink-Galileo being a shitty comedian, and The Green Hornet being a better film if written by Kevin Smith (like it was intended to). One topic stood above them all, Lion King.

Lion King was a benchmark in my childhood, and also a benchmark in some other people’s Furry Fetish. It was also one of the first times that I was introduced to the topic of death. I thought it was so awesome, I begged my mom and dad to get the soundtrack on cassette. The fact that it was about royalty, the king of the animal kingdom, and an amaze-balls soundtrack beyond my, then 5 year old comprehension, blinded me to other pressing issues in this movie. The darker side to this movie, besides the death of Mufasa, is the fact that the “villain” of the movie, Scar, is labeled a true Disney villain.

Let’s take a moment to trace back, without resources, strictly off of what was said to explain why Scar wasn’t actually a villain. To do that we must look at Mufasa, and how he theoretically ran his kingdom. Mufasa is the king of the pride lands, a ruler over his subjects, and like every king that runs a kingdom; he needs a means of currency to keep his kingdom running. Now there is no evidence in Lion King that shows that they use sea shells, or a credit card to pay for taxes and animal shit that animals need. Why is that? Because the way that Mufasa receives payment is through blood. A human example of this, You’re living in the medieval times. You are living on the king’s land, working your ass off, trying not to catch the black plague, worshipping the lawd, killing witches, and what not. You’re living on this land because you have to pay the king’s tax. That’s a basic way to look at it. Now, on the animal side of the house, Mufasa is a king who lets all these animals eat, sleep, and raise families on his land. They don’t use currency, but Mufasa does have “The Circle of Life”. The way that the Circle of Life works is that the antelopes eat the grass, the lions eat the antelopes, and the lion shits the antelopes back on the ground to create more grass for the antelopes. This is the only possible way that the Kingdom is sustained, and this is the only tax system that works in Mufasa’s monarchy. These animals get to live and sing, because Mufasa only allows it. How Mufasa picks what animal gets to die is the same way the same way an animal gets to survive. If you are simply not strong enough, or fast enough, you’re going to have to take a loss for your species. With that being said we can now look at Scar.

There wasn’t a really strong story for Scar, as I remember, my mind simply just placed him as the villain of Lion King. All we know about him is that he was banished to the Shadow Lands, and lived among the hyenas. He is a jealous brother. Mufasa rules over the land, but Scar gets this shitty place to rule the hyenas. The hyenas have nothing to eat, and are forced to steal kills. Scar and the hyenas literally live in poverty compared to most animals and Mufasa’s pride, so what does Scar do? The same thing any fucking rebel would do; to start a motherfucking revolution. How Scar takes out Mufasa is pretty fucked up. His tactics are pretty sneaky, but it worked. He killed Mufasa, and he brought the hyenas with him. Before you say, “OHHH BUT SCAR DID IT BY HIMSELF.” The hyenas started that fucking stampede!! For all we know, the hyenas chased the herd into the canyon so Scar could execute the plan. In revolutions, in uprisings, this is pretty much how things work. It usually is one man’s idea, brought to the people, these people agree, and they start a movement. This movement becomes and army, and the army starts a revolution. Scar helped the hyenas for his selfish gain, but he helped them either way. Scar was a successful revolutionary, but that didn’t make him a successful ruler. He “over-taxed” the land, drove the land’s residence to move away, and even mistreated his subjects. Simba capitalized on this, and ended Scar’s shitty, shitty, shiiiiiitty reign of the Pride lands. This doesn’t make Scar a bad guy, because there have been revolutionaries who fought for “freedom”, and it ended up being a bad thing. I’m not big on politics, so I won’t get into that.

The point is, Scar, was in a fucked up situation, created an army who believed in him, and did something for the interest of himself, but also (for a short time) benefited the people he lead. Scar wasn’t a bad guy, but a guy with good intentions who went about it the wrong way.

With that being said, why did I have a debate about Lion King? Because there is nothing to do, but at the same time; that conversation helped me remember my love for movies. To some people movies are exactly what they are supposed to be- movies. Then you have people who need to rethink things, see it in a different light, make shit up, and laugh about how crazy things are. Next time you view a movie, think about it a little bit. Notice the bullshit. Notice that one guy in the goon squad looks like he’d rather go home and have dinner with his ma and pa. It makes movies a little more interesting.

Thanks for reading, if you like my blog, or simply want to see this blog fail, follow me. If not, my twitter handle is @ashezketchum, and follow me there! I’m pretty quick to let people know I posted something.. because I clearly- have nothing else to do except hang around on the internetz.