I’ve been hitting Nintendo pretty hard since this deployment. It’s probably the fact that we have nothing to talk about, so we talk about anything. Sure, Nintendo just released Pokémon, but no matter what they do with their main console; they always fuck up everything. No matter how hard I try to defend Nintendo, they do shit like this. Constantly putting out bullshit at big events. I know I may be behind the times right now, but you can’t blame me; I’m deployed. When I first heard about the Cranky Kong announcement at the Video Game Awards, I lost my shit. Out of all the things you could’ve announced, you announce Cranky Kong. For some of you youngsters out there who didn’t get to play Donkey Kong Country, Cranky Kong is the old ass monkey at the beginning of the game who cranks the old ass record player. He is also the monkey you constantly run into to save the game. in DKC1 and 2. I never thought about Cranky Kong as a child. I never wanted to play as him as a child. It never ever eeeeevvveeeerrr crossed my mind like, “Oh man it would be so cool to play as this old ass monkey.” But Nintendo insists that this is a great idea, and the gaming community would love to see Cranky put in work. This brings me to my next topic, could this be the warning signs that Nintendo has reached its limits as a competing console in the new generation?

Now, from what I remember growing up, I’ve always been a Nintendo kid. My mom was the one who actually turned me into a video game addict. If it weren’t for video games, I probably would be doing heroine or bath salts right now. I’d probably be spending time in the glass pipes, instead of helping Mario get down these homo. I owned the consoles running up to the N64, and during that time when the 64 came out- it seemed like every kid has to own one. Every kid played Nintendo, until every single kid in my neighborhood decided N64 wasn’t on par with PlayStation. Nintendo and PlayStation were competing at this point. The glory days when kids were repping consoles like they were gangbangin’. The evidence of this beef was pretty real..I was playing “Hey You, Pikachu!” on N64 when it came out. I said “PlayStation” into the mic out of boredom, and Pikachu literally lost his shit. He wasn’t talking anymore, he didn’t want anything to do with me, turned his back on me, and I was like, “Fuck you too, you little bitch wa’nt no one trinna play witcho ass anyway.” That last part didn’t happen, but you do have to apologize to Pikachu before he starts fuckin’ with you again. THAT WAS SOME REAL SHIT. Nintendo was not fuckin’ around with PlayStation! I owned both consoles at the time, and never really had a biased towards either system. But no lie, A lot of shitty games were getting released on the N64. I found myself playing more and more of PS1, and less and less of N64. However, the one thing Nintendo has always had, was Pokémon. So, I always played Pokémon, but I played a lot of PS1 too.

Back then I would have never seen this as a pivotal point with Nintendo, but I definitely felt it when the PS2 and XBOX came out. Soon, I totally forgot about my N64. I disregarded the Gamecube. I didn’t miss out on some awesome games that they put out thanks to friends who owned Gamecubes, but I betrayed the shit out of Nintendo. This is when everyone was saying that Nintendo was a “child’s console”. Sooner or later people stopped holding Gamecube to the same standard as XBOX and PS2, especially after the release of XBOX360 and PS3. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I do believe Nintendo was in talks about the Wii, yet at the release of the 360 and the PS4; Nintendo was still stuck on Gamecube. Nintendo did make a comeback, They finally released the Wii, and it was a big hit. Nintendo started targeting younger gamers, and made the Wii family oriented. Gamers who loved Nintendo asked for more. They wanted to see more LoZ, more Metroid, more Star Fox (lol), and more Super Smash Bros. Nintendo finally beckoned to the call, and released some good fucking games. Among those games, Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess stood out. Holy fuck did I love that game. I dedicated my life to that game at one point, as did others, I’m sure. It even won Game of the Year. I really thought Nintendo was gonna make its comeback, but soon that light would fade.. Nintendo would go back to its shitty ways. Nintendo did have its spurts (lol) of success, Donkey Kong Country was a huge hit. After Street FIghter made side scrollers cool again, Mario was a big hit. Like I said, they had their moments. Then another big “FUCK YOU” to Nintendo was said by Microsoft and Sony; the XBOX ONE and the PS4. Nintendo’s counter punch? Wii U.

This is where the violins and sad music cue. Nintendo has been making shitty decision after shitty decision. They released the Wii U, but they were not doing these things that XBOX and PS were doing. I won’t lie, Nintendo has put out some good fucking games, but fans keep asking for the same shit that XBOX and PS have. It’s like fans want something, and Nintendo does the complete opposite thinking life is all good in the gaming universe. No. No the fuck it’s not dammit. 2013 is closing, and Nintendo keeps playing that sad tune. Wii U sales are doing poorly. They decided to release the new Mario game the same time as the XBOX ONE- praying for a miracle. Nintendo has been making some really shitty decisions lately, and they will not stop. Shit like Cranky Kong being a playable character will not save Nintendo. The only thing saving Nintendo right now, is nostalgia and childhood dreams. I really fucking feel like I am gonna live to hear the children laughing at my beloved Nintendo being forced to become a 3rd party company, because Nintendo doesn’t know how to get their shit together. I’ll be 40 y/o and some punk is gonna be taking to his friend saying, “Hey, you heard that kiddie console Ninten-low-on-dough became a 3rd party company now right?” They’ll laugh and I’ll say, “HEY! If it weren’t for NINTENDO you pussies wouldn’t have your XBOX1080 and PS7s!” Then they’ll laugh and point at me, “LAWWWLOLOLOOL STFU OLD TIMER! YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR MEDICINE NINTENDO AIN’T SHIT.” Then they’ll rob me and probably steal my car.

Look, I’m not a Nintendo hater, I love Nintendo. Nintendo has brought me so many memories as a child, and is the reason for me playing games today. That’s why I want to see them do well. I want them to keep being Nintendo, keep putting games out, keep making consoles, and keep introducing kids to timeless characters and gameplay. It is true that the games they put out (sometimes) are amazing. They are fun, but with Nintendo basically being out of the running in next gen consoles; my nightmare could be a reality. If they keep putting out bullshit info, and actually put info out that everyone can be excited about; there could still be hope for Nintendo. I’m really hoping that 2014 will be a good year for Nintendo, because shit isn’t looking too good for them.


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